Let Me Cry

So many things to say, but never the right words or enough energy.


What to do, what to do.


I'm just going to let it simmer for a little until I can get my thoughts straight.




She sits alone by a lamppost
Trying to find a thought thats escaped her mind
She says dads the one I love the most
But Stipes' not far behind

She never lets me in
Only tell me wheres shes been
When shes had too much to drink
I say that I dont care I just run my hands
Through her dark hair and then I pray to God
You gotta help me fly away

And just...
Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

This morning I woke up alone
Found a note sitting by the phone
Saying maybe, maybe I'll be back some day
I wanted to look for you
You walked in I didnt know just what I should do
So I sat back down and had a beer and felt sorry for
Myself.

Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

Last night I tried to leave
Cried so much I just
Could not believe
She was the same girl I
Fell in love with long ago
She went in the back to
Get high
I sat down on my couch
And cried
Yelling oh mama please
Help me
Wont you hold my hand.

And
Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

History lesson

What do you do when someone you've known seems to change overnight? Someone you thought you knew so well, just all of a sudden, is different. You think maybe you're the one who is going in the opposite or wrong direction. But I don't think so. I think I've made positive changes, for the most part, as opposed to negative downhill spirals. But what if this person is harming themselves, or completely not acting like themself. (Or at least the self you know to be the true self) Is that a call for us to step in, take a risk and confront it? Because I feel like most of the time, that approach only has 2 outcomes: Bad and Worse. Or is it a matter of how important the relationship is to you? Is it worth the risk? Nobody knows. I know I don't. But sometimes it scares me. Like if I wait too long then something bad will happen, or it will get so out of control, and then I am helpless. Just like when I was little. History repeats itself.

Sometimes I feel like people don't take seriously why I've made the choices I have made in my life. They don't get the urgency or the relevance. It could be because they don't know the whole story. But that's my fault. Or maybe it's because they don't ask, or they don't care to know.

Untitled

I don't know why but lately I have been really sad. I can't really put my finger on it, but it's kind of like I feel like something is missing. And it's so strange because all my life I have been telling myself what I do and do not need and now it's like all that has changed. Is it because I am getting older? Or is it because I am feeling left out? I don't know. Maybe it's because I feel like it's almost there, but not quite. Like it's in my grasp and all I have to do is take and hold it, but I'm too afraid that I will drop it and lose it. Or maybe I'm not seeing what's really there.
I think my confidence level and outside appearence has a lot to do with it. I can't remember the last time I felt comfortable in my own skin. Which ultimmately is my fault. And it's like I don't care enough about myself to change. Like I'm not even worth the effort.
I need a break. I need a break from everything. Why can't life be easy? Instead it's complicated, ridiculous and exhausting.

Sometimes I wish I could just move away and start over.

Boring

My life is boring. I don't even know why I have a blog anymore. I rarely have anything to say and no one even reads it.

But can I just point out that tonight I watched Deal or No Deal for the first time, and before I really didn't get it. And i felt really bad about myself because I felt like if my 7 year old nephew could understand it and like it, then what was my deal? But i get it now, it was like I was watching it and then I had one of those "Debbie Goddin" moments. (you know like it hits you all of a sudden) And then I realized what greg was talking about when he said it was his new favorite show, because I couldn't stop watching it and I was so into it. I was sitting in my room all by myself saying "No deal!" And then I thought to myself... This is sad, this is way sad. I felt like an 80 year old grandma eating her chicken salad sandwich and watching Deal or No Deal. But i love all those game shows, such as jeoperdy, wheel of fortune, family feud and now you can go ahead and add Deal or No freakin deal to the list. I am old. I might as well be shuffling around the apartment in a moo-moo looking for my teeth.

What is wrong with me?

goodnight all.

Lost

Do you ever feel like the life you're living now couldn't possibly really be your life. Like when you dream and then you wake up thinking what happened in your dream really happened. And you wake up either A. disappointed it was just a dream or B. happy that the nightmare you saw is over. Well my life leans more to the B option, except I don't think I have woken up yet. You see sometimes the people that you count on are the ones on which you should never depend. And why is it that everytime you get knocked down, you come back asking for more? Which is fine, I mean everyone does it. At least that's my rationalization for it. But it comes down to how much one person can take before they are worn down to nothing. How much? Too much.


Dark and twisty.

Oh Snaps

amazing. That is all I can say. Beautiful. sigh.

Ellinika

really missing greece today and pretty much every day.... =(

One of the best videos I have ever seen.

Funny, this guy is really into it too, and oh so accurate. Makes me smile everytime I watch it.

These are the times...

I cannot wait for tomorrow... Cinco de Mayo (Olé!) and Lucky Strike is going to be so much fun, mainly because all my favorite people are going. However, at the same time it is a little bittersweet because it means that the year is over and a lot of people are graduating or moving away. So sad. I am going to miss the fun roommate times. Talking until 3 am, making our random jokes, our accents (binci binci), our love of the 80's, and singing/dancing to all our favorite songs. (oh yeah and potbelly) And i'm gonna miss my sibby poo too. Who's ipex am I going to touch if you're not here? i don't know.


Anywhoo, I will miss you guys.

sadness.

My eyes are getting le tired...

nighty night.

One Quick thought before I go to bed.

"There is really nothing more to say - except why. But since why is difficult to handle, one must take refuge in how."

-Toni Morrison



This is a good quote for many reasons and if you know me, then you know what it refers to. Powerful isn't it?
That is all.

That's where it is...

Make her laugh. Pick her up and pretend you're going to throw her in the pool... she'll scream and fight you but secretly, she'll love it. Tell her your secrets. Listen to hers. Call her just to say hi. Hold her hand while you talk. Hold her hand while you drive. Just hold her hand. Look her in the eyes when you talk to her. Protect her. Support her. Tell her stupid jokes. Tickle her, even if she says stop. Slow dance with her. When she starts swearing at you, tell her you love her. Let her fall asleep in your arms. Get her mad, then kiss her. Tease her. Let her tease you back. When you're just laying there together, rub her back. Stay up with her when she's sick. Kiss her forehead. Be faithful. Let her wear your clothes. Kiss her in the rain. And when you fall in love with her, tell her...


a fine quote I must say.



p.s I'm not looking forward to my long day tomorrow. ugh.

I should tell you....

"Trusting desire - Starting to learn
Walking through fire without a burn
Clinging - a shoulder a leap begins
Stinging and older, asleep on pins"
- I Should tell you, RENT


Some people like to pretend that they know me, or they think they know me and they've got me all figured out. Does that make sense? To me it does. I have a lot of things that have gone on in my life and I am working through them, Day by Day. Things that I haven't even told anyone. And I do mean anyone. I don't even know why I'm writing this but I think it's time that I share more, it's time to let people in, completely. That's all.


goodnight to all, and to all a goodnight

We Believe

"While the men's basketball team at George Mason University has effectively transformed itself, the campus and the surrounding areas of Northern Virginia into the most beautiful of 'Cinderellas', there are those fans that knew her before she made it to the ball. Before she was popular and still loved her when she was scrubbing floors. And while the campus bookstore has been cleaned of anything green or gold and the bandwagon is now bursting at the seams, there are those fans who feel like Andy Dufrane in the movie "The Shawshank Redemption" - that the crawl through hundreds of yards of, well you know, was worth it...
This is for the Mason fans who believe, that have always believed and will continue to believe when the bandwagon unloads, when the papers stop giving the ink, and when the ride - however long it can continue - comes to a close."



Let's Go Mason. Their fans think their players are supermen, but our Fans KNOW that we are kryptonite.

LIARS and Snitches get crutches and stiches....

This week has been a little bittersweet. It's cool that we are going to the final four and honestly NOTHING can bring me down from that because I am so excited, even though I don't get to go to the game. And then Wednesday comes, and usually things that would normally make me a little upset just really make me laugh because, I don't know, it's just funny now. But don't bring things up that you don't want to hear the answer to. You're just not gonna like everyone you come across in life. PERIOD. Face it, deal with it and move on from it.


goodnight.

Being Spanish and Hispanic are not the Same thing

Well I haven't updated in awhile and I would say that I haven't done it because I was busy, but that would probably be a lie. Anwhoo, My update for now will be short and sweet... I can't wait for the basketball game tomorrow, I am so excited for our team, and elated that they are finally getting the recognition that they deserve. I have been overwhelmed with emotion. On another note, I hate my living situation right now. I really cannot comprehend how some people have been raised. I mean did we not all learn at least how to pick up after ourselves and respect other's belongings? Guess not. I cannot even begin to describe my frustration to anyone over this. The audacity is mind-blowing. And I have gotten to the point where I am done being nice and I am even done being cordial. All of that has been thrown out the window. But I am tired and falling asleep as I sit here, but i'm glad I have 2 good roomates at least, people that I can talk to, who feel my pain and people I can laugh with.



Ican'tworklikedat.



vinci aka val

Anthem of Our Dying Day

The stars will cry
The blackest tears tonight
And this is the moment that I live for
I can smell the ocean air
And here I am
Pouring my heart onto these rooftops
Just a ghost to the world
That's exactly
Exactly what I need

From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day

For a second I wish the tide
Would swallow every inch of this city
As you gasp for air tonight
I'd scream this song right in your face
If you were here
I swear I won't miss a beat
Cause I never
Never have before

From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire
And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day

-Story of The Year


...nuff said.

goodnight kids

You aren't my good luck charm anymore.

I don't know what it is, but this week did not start off on the wrong foot and now everything seems messed up. I hate it when that happens. This also causes a chain reaction that goes all the way down to my desire, or should I say lack thereof, to do work.

It is being brought to my attention that my mother actually instilled a life lesson in me. You really can't "put all your eggs in one basket". It sets you up for failure and heartache. No matter how good it is and for how long, you will always come crashing back down to reality. Unfortunately, I am learning this lesson the hard way. All my friends have their boyfriends now and seem to have no time for me anymore. I must say it is quite lonely. And even when they are physically there, I don't really feel like they are there. That makes sense, right?

It's been one of those down days, let's hope tomorrow will be better.



big sigh.

Marigolds and Mary Janes

All I want to say is that Toni Morrison is one of the most talented writers of our time. The way she uses language gets you all excited when you read it and makes you stop and say, wow. Just wow. I read The Bluest Eye for the second time and I must say when I read the first time I just didn't get it. Granted I was very young, but I missed it. After reading it again, I get it. It's powerful. Sometimes I think I should be an english major because honestly, these kinds of things excite me. They move me.

Anyways I am extremely tired but I wanted to share that with you. If you haven't read The Bluest Eye, I suggest that you do. Or I should say strongly suggest. Just do it.


goodnight

True Colors

Lately I've been thinking about my friendships, not by choice mind you, but by their mere actions. I have a friend who I've known forever, or so it seems. He can tell when I'm angry or had a bad day solely by my intonation or expression. Then there's the friend who likes to pretend that she is there for me, yet when I turn my back she is either gone or talking about me and my flaws, whatever they might be and regardless if there is truth to back such judgements. She is a "fly by night" friend as my parents would say. So why can't I cut the cord, pull the plug, kick her to the curb? I don't know. Maybe it's because I hold on to the good times, the laughs, the late-night storytelling. But then I think, how much can one person take? How many times can they be lied to until they blow up? When someone outright lies to your face it's like saying "You're too stupid to figure it out, or know better". That's how I feel. it's a power thing. Or maybe it's because they are scared of the truth. She know when she comes to me and says "Val, I did something really bad..." (which sadly happens a lot) I'm not gonna sugar-coat my response. I'll say that wasn't smart or tell her the truth whether or not she wants to hear it. I would ask a friend to do the same for me. So why am I friends with someone like that, someone who lies, abandons me in a time of need, even though when she needs me I am always there, no matter what. She needs to talk, I come right away. Kinda reminds me of high school. (hated it, enough said) I don't know. Just don't know.

sigh.

It's Debbie Gibson, Not Deborah Gibson

Well we have decided to hold an 80s party on Valentine's Day for us single ladies. i am really excited about it solely for the fact that it has an 80's theme. Anyone who knows me can tell you how much I love the 80's! I've already got my outfit planned: I'm thinking cowboy boots, leggings, scrunchies, big hair, even bigger belt, mini-skirt and acid wash denim and maybe a rosary around my neck to pay homage to the great Madonna. I'm lovin' it. We're gonna have plenty of 80's music, 80's movies, decorations, good food. It's gonna be great. I can't wait. Anywhoo....



Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You?


I thought this kinda went in with the theme.


Keep living the Glamorous Life. XOXO


-~~-**Val**-~~-

"We Die. That may be the meaning of life. But we do language. That may be the measure of our lives."

http://nobelprize.org/literature/laureates/1993/morrison-lecture.html


Read it. Yes it is a little long, and you can even listen to it. But take the time to listen to it or read it, you won't be disappointed. I PROMISE. Blew me away, and made me think about a lot of things. Wow. I think I'm gonna really like my Toni Morrison class.


goodnight
143
XOXO

And if We All Believe in Heaven, Maybe We'll Make it through One More Year Down Here

Ok I am going to try to write this without tearing up, which may be a task but here goes.

In the shower this morning, on one of the many mixes that I have made, a familiar song started to play. It was one that I haven't heard in a long time, and most days I try to avoid it if I ever come across it. But today I decided to stop and listen. It was "View from Heaven" by Yellowcard, and I can't help but think of Lucas when I hear this song. Almost every word rings true. I wish I could have said goodbye, I wish I could've had closure. And no matter how much I try to tell myself that his death had little effect on me, I hold all those emotions deep inside. Which is bad, I know that, but It's easier to forget than it is to remember sometimes. But lately I realize that it's ok to remember his little smile and his big wide eyes, and how Noah would talk about himm so proudly, just like he does with Jacob. But along with those thoughts still comes anger and frustration. Why. Why did this little boy have to go through all that pain? Why. How can a surgeon make such a big mistake? It makes me so angry sometimes. If the surgery was done right, a simple routine surgery, then Lucas would be talking and walking and playing as I sit here now writing this. But then I think maybe this was in God's plan. This was supposed to teach everyone in my family a lesson. Tomorrow is not promised for anyone. I think I need to remind myself of that more often, because so easily can we forget. And now more than ever, I am realizing that the things that were important to me before, are just trivial and stupid. I guess the moral of this story is that I miss him.

That is all.



...so lost without you down here.butterflies

Here goes....

Yes well I have decided to jump on the bandwagon of bloggers and create one of my own. I figured this is as good a place as any to vent my frustrations and maybe become a little less bitter in the 2006. Plus I'm better at writing things out than talking it out and all that j-a-z-z. So it's a new year and you all know what that means... It's time to break, I mean keep my New Year's Resolution. This year I mean business, I'm going to lose weight and just be healthier in general. I know it's probably the resolution that everyone makes and almost everyone breaks, and I know I myself have made it a couple times, but this year is different. I have joined weight watchers and I am ready for the fight. All my life I have been overweight. Maybe it's a comfort thing, maybe I'm just too lazy to lose it or maybe it's something else in my subconscious. I don't care, this time next year you won't even be able to recognize me.

Enough of that. I am very ready to go back to school. Very ready. I am done with my job here. I don't get paid enough to deal with these things. Don't get me wrong I love kids, I love working with them and teaching them ( I mean that's why I've decided to become a teacher) and I definitely miss my little ones when I am gone, but when you make $6 an hour and have to deal with extreme unorganization amidst many other things... it makes it really hard to stay.

Alright that is all for now.
Young hearts be free tonight.

~*Val*~