Ok I am going to try to write this without tearing up, which may be a task but here goes.
In the shower this morning, on one of the many mixes that I have made, a familiar song started to play. It was one that I haven't heard in a long time, and most days I try to avoid it if I ever come across it. But today I decided to stop and listen. It was "View from Heaven" by Yellowcard, and I can't help but think of Lucas when I hear this song. Almost every word rings true. I wish I could have said goodbye, I wish I could've had closure. And no matter how much I try to tell myself that his death had little effect on me, I hold all those emotions deep inside. Which is bad, I know that, but It's easier to forget than it is to remember sometimes. But lately I realize that it's ok to remember his little smile and his big wide eyes, and how Noah would talk about himm so proudly, just like he does with Jacob. But along with those thoughts still comes anger and frustration. Why. Why did this little boy have to go through all that pain? Why. How can a surgeon make such a big mistake? It makes me so angry sometimes. If the surgery was done right, a simple routine surgery, then Lucas would be talking and walking and playing as I sit here now writing this. But then I think maybe this was in God's plan. This was supposed to teach everyone in my family a lesson. Tomorrow is not promised for anyone. I think I need to remind myself of that more often, because so easily can we forget. And now more than ever, I am realizing that the things that were important to me before, are just trivial and stupid. I guess the moral of this story is that I miss him.
That is all.
...so lost without you down here.butterflies
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